


Yen-tor

by azul_ora



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Death, Death from Old Age, Ending Relationship, Established Relationship, M/M, Mortality, Soul Bond, but like seriously this is some depressing shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 09:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8244889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azul_ora/pseuds/azul_ora
Summary: Five times Kirk forgets Spock, and one time Spock remembers Kirk.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE READ**  
>  This fic contains character death and grief. If either of those trigger or squick you, please consider before reading.

I

The first time he forgets, he is one hundred and twenty-two and I am one hundred and twenty-seven.

He is standing next to the Wall of Memories, as he calls it, and he is staring at one particular card. He turns to me and asks whose wedding vows they are.

My heart breaks a little, and for a minute I struggle to explain. How do I tell him they are our wedding vows, that they are words spoken by him and by me, that they were said just before we kissed for the first time as husbands when we were still boldly going? How do I tell him that Engineer Scott witnessed the ceremony, exercising his abilities as third officer to perform weddings if the Captain is marrying the First Officer?

("I promise to the best of my abilities to be logical and to be impulsive, to be rational and to be emotional, to think and to love. I promise never to abandon or abuse, never to neglect or disrespect, for as long as we are together."

"I will attempt to the best of my abilities to uphold the precepts of Surak and the precepts of Humanity, to strive for information and for wisdom, to know and to be curious. I promise never to abandon or abuse, never to neglect or disrespect, for as long as we are together."

"Well then laddies, yer married. Yeh can kiss.")

I tell him to look at his left hand, and he asks if the vows are ours. I nod, and the feeling that courses across the bond is so incredibly sad that I almost cry. He says that he does not know why he forgot, only that he did.

He spends the rest of the week looking at his wedding ring and looking half-happy, half-sad. Each time I see him staring down at the small silver-and-green band, I think of the future and shiver. If he forgets the happiest day of his life, what else?

("They're our vows, aren't they? We said these at our wedding.")

* * *

II

The second time he forgets, he is one hundred and twenty-five and I am one hundred and thirty.

He is looking at our address, and asking why we are living in San Francisco.

My heart breaks a little, and for a minute I struggle to explain. How do I tell him we have been living here for nigh on four decades, ever since he resigned his commission as Captain of the  _Enterprise_ at 86, since I gave up my post as his First Officer that I'd held for sixty-three years?

("Permission to come on the Bridge, Captain?"

"Granted."

"As you have not yet selected a First Officer, I would respectfully like to submit my candidacy. If you would like I can provide character references."

"It would be an honour.")

I tell him that after we left the  _Enterprise_ , we travelled to Orion with Gaila Vro and Nyota Uhura for a period of time, residing on the planet as a group of four. I tell him that the four of us then journeyed around Alpha quadrant for a number of years before returning to Terra when Gaila Vro died at 94, a typical age for Orions. I tell him that Nyota Uhura moved to Scotland, along with Montgomery Scott, to live near Pavel Chekov and Hikaru Sulu. I tell him that we went with them to bury Gaila, then returned to San Francisco, and now live here permanently but visit them at least once every two Terran months.

He vidcalls Nyota and Montgomery and talks with them for around thirty-two point six minutes. During this time, I see him slowly remember the events I had just detailed.

("You've been living with him in San Fran for thirty-nine years. Though if you wanna move over here to Scotland with us, I'm sure none of the others'd protest."

"Thanks. I... I think we'll stay here. Maybe another time.")

* * *

III

The third time he forgets he is one hundred and twenty-seven and I am one hundred and thirty-two.

He picks up the model of the  _Enterprise_ that sits on his dresser and turns it over in his hands a few times. He looks up at me and smiles, and says it's a beautiful ship. He asks who its Captain is.

My heart breaks a little, and for a minute I struggle to explain. How do I tell him that the  _Enterprise_ was ours, that it was decommissioned when we left Starfleet, that it is now part of the official Starfleet  _Historical Fleet_ collection as the first ship to successfully complete a five-year mission? How do I tell him that he and Christopher Pike were the only two people ever to captain the  _Enterprise_ , setting a Starfleet record for fewest Captains of one ship ever?

("This assembly calls Captain Kirk. Your supreme bravery and dedication to your crew is in keeping with the highest Starfleet traditions. It is therefore my honour to award you with this commendation, and to direct you to Captain Christopher Pike as his relief.")

I explain that it was our ship, that he captained it with me at his side, with Montgomery Scott as his third officer and Chief Engineer, with Pavel Chekov as Chief Navigator and Hikaru Sulu as Chief Pilot, with Nyota Uhura as Chief of Communications, with Leonard McCoy as CMO, with Gaila Vro as Chief of Technology. I explain that it was damaged, destroyed and rebuilt several times - after the Battle of Yorktown, and later on at Romulus, at the firestorm of Kakiemon Gamma, and at too many more places and times to name. I explain that we flew that ship for almost her entire life, and that she came down when we did.

He stares at the model for a moment longer, and then sets it down reverentially. He speaks quietly.

("One hell of a crew, eh? I suppose I was crazier back then than I am now."

"You were, and always will be, our Captain.")

* * *

 IV

The fourth time he forgets, he is one hundred and thirty-one and I am one hundred and thirty-six.

He wakes up and stares at me like he has never seen me before. He clambers out of bed painfully slowly and asks who I am.

My heart breaks a little, and for a minute I struggle to explain. How do I tell him that he is my everything, that we are in love, that we have lived together and served together since he was twenty-three and I twenty-eight? How do I tell him he is my _t’hy’la_?

(“Do you like it?” he asks nervously, running a hand through his blonde hair. “I got the one with jade for me, ‘cuz it’s the same colour as your blush, and the one with sapphire for you, ‘cuz you’re always talking about how much you love my eyes. Is that alright?"

"It is more than alright,  _t'hy'la_.")

I tell him my name. I tell him that we are partners. I tell him we are married, and when he does not believe me I show him our matching wedding rings. I request permission to perform a meld insofar as to restore his memory. He consents and I slip into his mind.

It is covered in what appears most like a layer of thin, grey fog, obscuring his memories of our life. It is cold, fairly damp, and smells like rain. Unsettled, I blow it away, allowing clarity to return to his thoughts. They recognise me once more and bathe me in warmth and love. When I withdraw from the meld, there are tears pouring down his face. He gently takes my hands in his own and kisses me, then presses his lips to mine. I breathe in the scent of his shampoo and allow myself to relax. Then I taste his tears.

Three days later, he says it. I assure him that he is being illogical, but the words continue to reverberate around my mind.

("I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.") 

* * *

 V

The fifth time he forgets, he is one hundred and thirty-four and I am one hundred and thirty-nine.

He dies in the night, passes painlessly in his sleep. His brain gives out.

The bond breaks.

And for the first time in my whole life, I experience the human phenomenon known as crying. The tears pour down my cheeks and I barely register them until they run into my mouth and I taste the salt. The bleakness of the deadened bond hammers at my mind, and I find myself screaming.

("Hang on. If I bond with you... what happens when I die? It'll happen eventually, and you'll outlive me by fifty years at least."

"Regardless of whether we are bonded or not,  _t'hy'la_ , I will feel your passing as though it were my own. I wish only for the joy of a bond for the many years we can have before that eventuality.")

I stop screaming when my throat is raw and my breath coming in ragged gasps. He outlived them all, and now he is dead.

I gather up his body and I take it to where they are buried. A graveyard for the officers of the  _Enterprise_ in northern Scotland, near Eas Chia-aig Falls. I ride the shuttle in silence, barely aware of my surroundings. I carry his body out and dig his grave. I lie him down beside Leonard. Next to Leonard lie Gaila and Nyota, holding hands, friends beyond all life. The latter is flanked on her other side by Montgomery Scott. Next to them lie Pavel Chekov and Hikaru Sulu. I lay the bodies: I buried them in each other's arms, their love represented even in death.

I gently pour the dirt back into the hole, and plant wildflowers over his grave. I lie a rock above his head, and carve into it in careful letters with my phaser 'James T. Kirk. Son, brother, friend and  _t'hy'la_. He conquered the final frontier.'

I sit at look at their headstones a while, each grave headed by a rock from only a few feet away. I let my eyes travel over the words that I had carved on each - I had buried each of my friends in this place, and I had carved all their headstones. I had shown their essences to the world when they could no longer show the world themselves.

'Gaila Vro. She was an Orion - captured, enslaved, hurt, and she rose above and beyond to become an inspiration to us all.'

'Nyota Uhura, whose name means freedom. She was a star like no other. She walks in beauty, like the night.'

'Montgomery Scott. Genius, maniac, helper, fighter, and perfectly imperfect. He will not be forgotten.'

'Pavel Chekov. _It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice_. Pavel to some, Pasha to many, Pashenka to one, friend to all.'

'Hikaru Sulu. _No matter what, I will not be triumphed over_. The man who would fight his way to Hell and back for the things he loves.'

I turn away.

They are all gone now.

("I am alone.")

* * *

One

They carry the body up, up into the mountains. They do not contain it in a coffin - he will be buried in nothing but the clothes he wears.

He died of grief, they say, of a broken bond that festered and poisoned his thoughts. His mind shut down and he died young for a Vulcan, only one hundred and forty-four. That he survived only five years after his  _t'hy'la_ died was expected, they say. Things could have been done, they say, but he did not want them to be.

They dig a grave beside his  _t'hy'la_ 's and they lay him down to rest. They fill in the hole and they plant bluebells over his body. They lay down the headstone he carved himself, that he requested he be laid above his corpse. They notice that the words have been carved into the rock with a phaser, hand-done, and that the rock looks as though it too is from here.

They read the headstone as an afterthought, and then they leave. The stone sits on the grass, proclaiming his essence to the world now that he can no longer do so himself.

"S'chn T'Gai Spock.  _Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, Khart-lan. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, t'hy'la._ "

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own 'em - if I did, it would be a lot more diverse.  
> I didn't even know I could write shit this angsty.  
> I apologise.  
> Disclaimer: the line 'Nyota Uhura, whose name means freedom. She walks in beauty, like the night.' is not mine.  
> Also, if you're wondering about the title or the phrase 'Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, Khart-lan. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, t'hy'la', it's all Vulcan. Look it up: http://www.starbase-10.de/vld/


End file.
